Going through a break up or a divorce can be one of the most challenging things we can experience. Often however, it is the relationships and experiences that are most painful that bring about the greatest growth.
Not that relationships need to be painful, but it seems that those who walk into our lives and challenge us in new ways often leave the greatest impact, and if used correctly, these challenges can lead us to an awakening.
So you have said hateful things to each other, uttered the words “I don’t love you anymore”, slept on the couch, screamed, shouted, and cried endless nights however, somewhere on the other side of that you are given an opening- could we get back together?
Sometimes it seems almost impossible to even play with the notion of getting back together, especially after all the pain, hurt and tears but sometimes, almost as if the Universe is playing tricks on you, there is a glimmer of hope.
At first, its just a glimmer, and then you begin playing with the notion- can we mend this relationship?
All couples fight, and sometimes the fights can make you stronger, and sometimes the fights can break you.
If you are confused as to which path to take listen to your instincts, but in times of crisis when you can no longer hear any voice of reason sometimes it is the path of least resistance that will bring you home.
Reconciliation is not impossible, but it does take a lot of effort and commitment from both sides. Sometimes, break ups, or near-break ups signal that a shift needs to happen within, that both of you need to shift in order to continue on the path together.
And, of course, it takes two, its not just one person shifting, it’s both, and both need to be willing to do the work.
So, how do you do it?
Each couple is different and on different stages of their journey but here are 7 things that may help mend that broken relationship:
1.) LEARN TO LET GO
If only one of you want the breakup, sometimes, although its hard, you need to acknowledge that for the other person. Sometimes, you need to give in and let go-
“If you love something, let it go, if it comes back to you, it is yours, if it doesn’t, it was never was and was not meant to be”- Unknown
In doing so, you can really see if your relationship has a chance to reconcile. There is no point being with someone if they don’t want to be with you. That is neither healthy nor real love. If it is meant to be, you must trust in the Universe that you will reconcile when the time is right.
2.) GET SOME SPACE
Having some space away can be the most therapeutic thing when deciding on whether or not to end a relationship. Take some time apart for at least a week where you don’t see, talk or text the other person.
Use this time to go within and reflect on what you truly desire. Write, meditate, go for long walks, spend time with friends, cry, allow yourself the time you need to focus on what you want.
During this time, don’t pressure yourself to find all the answers, just relax, let it be, and if you are still enough, the answers will surely appear. Sometimes it just comes down to- what makes you feel good?
3.) DON’T FEEL GUILTY
One of the biggest traps when getting back into a relationship is doing so out of guilt.
You don’t need to feel guilty for anything you have done. Remember, relationships are a two-way street and it always takes two to tango.
Whether you are instigating the breakup, have said some hurtful things or even cheated, there is no point going back into the relationship out of guilt.
While you may feel guilty over your behaviour, take it out of the equation for now. It’s your guilt, and you need to work on it in your own time.
4.) DON’T MAKE THE PAST THE FUTURE
“But he did this.”
“She did that.”
“How could he do that to me?”
Do these statements sound familiar?
This is the lovely face of the ego, and although these comments can sometimes make us feel better- because just for a moment they justify how we have been “wronged”- really they are not conducive to any type of healing or reconciliation. Sure, the past hurts, and sometimes memories can be ingrained onto the cornea of our
Sure, the past hurts, and sometimes memories can be ingrained onto the cornea of our eyeballs however, you must keep the past in the past.
“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
This powerful quote by Maya Angelou points us in the direction of knowing. If you feel wronged by your partner, does it come as any surprise? There are always clues, it is our responsibility to listen to them.
Truthfully speaking, no one can “wrong” you or make you feel a certain way, that is simply our ego responding to the actions of another ego. We are always in charge of how we feel. While it doesn’t excuse any
We are always in charge of how we feel. While it doesn’t excuse any behaviour, you must first accept what has happened, allow yourself to feel all the emotions you feel without judgment and then find it in your heart to forgive.
Practicing forgiveness is one of the most humbling experiences.
Remember, sometimes we make mistakes, sometimes we don’t know any better, sometimes we do things that we shouldn’t do- especially in relationships.
Nobody is perfect and everybody is on their own journey so can we really judge them?
Forgiving is not saying that what happened was okay, rather, forgiving just means that you have made peace with the pain and you are ready to let it all go.
You will need to do this whether you get back together or stay apart so you might as well begin now.
5.) LOOK WITHIN
Our relationships are always a mirror of our own selves. They reflect back to us things that we need to work on and it is always the best relationships, that is the ones that offer the most growth, that are often the most challenging.
Sometimes, it can be really hard to face what we see or experience in that mirror but if you don’t learn the lessons, or you run from them, they are just going to keep returning in your life with a different face.
Oprah once gave this analogy which sums this all up perfectly- the Universe first gives you a whisper, then a tug, then a scream and then boom, the brick hits you in the face!
Don’t let it get to the brick stage! Do the work when you see it arise, no matter how challenging.
One point I will make here is that “doing the work” doesn’t mean putting yourself through mounds of misery to experience an awakening or growth.
Doing the work really refers to going within and finding out how to transcend the issues of your relationship consciously. Sometimes, that does involve walking away, and other times it involves just looking in the mirror.
6.) MAKE PEACE
If you do decide to walk down the path of reconciliation and both of you have done and are continuing the work, be gentle with each other and let go of any expectations.
Make a pact with each other that you will help and point out (gently) when the other is reacting with old behaviour patterns or with the ego.
This is not about judging the other person, but it is more about working as a team to help one another release past behaviours and shift into this new chapter.
In order for this to work, both parties need to be understanding, willing to work on their “issues” and be conscious of their ego. (If you want to be more conscious of your ego read- How the Ego Manifests Itself.)
If your partner is not open to this type of terminology, approach it like this:
Start off by saying- “your behavior makes me feel like this….” without judgment and then allow the person to express their opinions too.
7.) WALKING AWAY
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, a relationship has simply run its course. If you have both reached the decision that this is the best option, trust in that and move on. Although it hurts, just remember when a door closes, another one always opens.
Getting back together takes the full commitment of both parties, however it really starts with each individual wanting to make a change.
This change must come from within and is usually triggered by just letting go.
The pain and tears have come and gone so just let it all go and see what really happens when you cut the cord- does a new one appear or is it all said and done?