Rarely do I feel a Full Moon like the one we had this weekend. Normally, my composed Capricorn-self can make it through most Full Moon’s in a calm and gentle way, but this Aries Super Moon had me in tears.
This Full Moon brought up a lot of emotional releasing for me. The biggest topic on the table was learning how to stand up for myself.
I have never been good with confrontation. So when someone does something that crosses a boundary, usually I want to disappear into the walls and pretend it never happened. This strategy works great until several months later when I realize I am still carrying around all the hurt and unexpressed pain.
C’mon surely I should know better by now?! I tell myself. And while I will admit that I am much better than I used to be, the thought of confronting someone still fills me with anxiety.
Can you relate?
I guess for me, I want to please people. I want to make everyone happy and this tendency causes me to compromise myself. On a deeper level, I guess my people-pleasing tendencies reflect my level of self-worth.
While I don’t think it is necessarily a negative thing to be a people-pleaser, it does become an issue when you start to compromise your own feelings.
Even though it is very difficult for me to take my own advice (ha!), this weekend got me thinking about ways I can face my fears of confrontation and learn how to stand up for myself. Hopefully you will find them valuable too-
1. Not Everyone Has to Like You
If you are a chronic people pleaser then this statement may relate. There are billions of people in this world and you know what, it is ok if some of them or even a good handful of them don’t like you. The world is not going to end if you rub a few people the wrong way.
People pleasers often have a fear of confronting someone because they don’t want to hurt their feelings, but if someone over-stepped a boundary and you value them in your life, confronting them is probably going to make your relationship stronger. If whoever you are confronting fights back in a mean and nasty way, perhaps they were never really your friend to begin with.
2. Confrontation Doesn’t Have to Mean an Argument
When you confront someone it does not have to be in a hostile or blaming way. In fact, the best advice I can give someone who is trying to get something off their chest is to talk about their feelings and stick to “I” statements.
When you want to get something off your chest to someone, the best way to do it is to talk about your feelings and refrain from saying “you did this” or “you did that”. This turns your discussion into a confrontation and can often make the other person feel defensive.
If you have a problem with someone it starts with you, so keep your statements centered around yourself and this will help you to communicate more effectively and express your true feelings.
3. Address the Problem Immediately
When you are afraid of confrontation, often it takes many months or even many years of bad behaviour before you feel the need to do something about it. When someone has been crossing a boundary for so long it can make it even harder or more challenging for you to confront the situation.
In fact, it is so much easier to bring up issues within a relationship as soon as they happen. Often when you target the problem when it first arises, it is easier to talk about because there is far less emotional attachment.
Addressing the problem as soon as it arises is also a great way to affirm your boundaries and to stop yourself from being compromised from the very beginning.
4. You Allow How People Treat You
If you don’t speak up about your boundaries then it is really impossible for other people to know if they are treating you with respect. If you constantly lie down for other people to walk all over, you are going to get stepped on!
When you stand up for yourself, you are showing people how you want to be treated and how you deserve to be treated. When you shy away into the corner however, you are going to attract people who are looking for someone to take advantage of.
If you want to change your ways and be treated right, you have to start taking responsibility for your actions and start putting some boundaries in place. You have to show people what you are willing to tolerate or not, it is not up to them to guess.
5. Know You Are Worthy
You are worthy to have people in your life that respect, honor and love you. The people that you want in your life are the people who you don’t feel afraid to express your true feelings with.
If you have a close friend or even a partner who you are scared to confront, there may be more going on in the relationship that you need to address.
The people that you want in your life are people who you feel confident and supported to express your truth, because you know when you state your true feelings you are going to be respected and loved.